memoirs of a cryptic mind
By Ma. Graciella Andaya
cornerstone
September 22, 2023
enchantress
November 15, 2023
lingering steps
November 23, 2023
Perhaps in another life, maybe we can have dinner again
December 12, 2023
Once again, we were having dinner, laughing at how exhausting, complicated, but fulfilling life is.
Sojourn
December 21, 2023
She's dead. I buried her a long time ago.
December 25, 2023
If you're looking for her, she's dead; I buried her a long time ago. You see, I had no choice but to get rid of her.
cornerstone
In my earlier years, I used to condemn myself for my youthful fears, impulsivity, and unpredictability. I believed that my emotions wielded control over my life, and I used them as a protective barrier, despite the toll it took on my energy.Over time, I came to recognize that emotions weren't adversaries but rather companions on the journey of being human. Understanding and respecting them became crucial. Moreover, I grasped the ability to steer my emotions; they no longer dictated my actions.This realization prompted a shift in my approach. Instead of disregarding or suppressing my feelings, I embraced them. When a particular emotion surfaced, be it sadness, anger, or loneliness, I took the time to delve into its roots and comprehend it.I relinquished the notion that certain emotions were inherently wrong or unacceptable. I acknowledged that every emotion I experienced was valid, offering valuable insights into my inner world. This change in perspective facilitated the development of a more compassionate relationship with myself, fostering authenticity and acceptance amid the ever-changing landscape of human emotions.
enchantress
Dedicated to the goddess of Greek mythology whom I hold in high regard, Circe.
Her eyes aglow with arcane fire's dance,
A sorceress, in a bewitching trance.
On Aiaia's isle, her realm concealed,
Where magic whispers secrets, half revealed.Oh, Circe, with thy wand of potent grace,
Commanding forces none can e'er efface.
In potions brewed, the essence of the moon,
A symphony of spells, a mystic tune.Transforming hearts with sorcery untold,
In her cauldron, destinies unfold.
Her spells, like threads, weave fates anew,
A tapestry of magic, ever true.Beware, ye mortals, who dare draw near,
For Circe's spell, like echoes, linger clear.
In her gaze, the shimmering of the unknown,
A goddess in the shadows, on her throne.With a touch, she changes fate's design,
Turning men to beasts, a warning sign.
Yet in her eyes, a deeper truth lies,
A sorceress, in whom magic never dies.Circe, goddess, in the realm of night,
Guide us through the mysteries, dark and bright.
With thy wand, weave dreams in silken thread,
In the alchemy of magic, where worlds are bred.
lingering steps
Based on Florian Christl's composition "Vivaldi Variation"
In the dimly lit room, a single melancholic melody echoed through the air, casting a somber spell upon the fading daylight. The dance floor stood empty, except for two figures swaying in the diminishing shadows. She wore a dress that whispered of a thousand shared moments and a smile that held the weight of countless memories.His hands, weathered by time and the trials of life, gently cradled hers as they moved together in a final, bittersweet waltz. The music wrapped around them like a haunting embrace, a poignant reminder that this dance was not just a prelude to farewell, but a delicate farewell itself.The room held the echoes of laughter, whispered promises, and the silent exchanges that only the closest hearts could comprehend. Yet, now, a heavy silence settled between them, as the truth hung in the air like a delicate veil: this dance marked the last shared heartbeat, the final caress of intertwined fingers.They moved with a grace that defied the ache in their souls, aching for the inevitable parting that loomed. Each step echoed the passage of time, and every twirl whispered a goodbye too painful to voice. In the midst of the dance, they found solace in the shared sorrow, a silent agreement to hold onto this moment even as it slipped away.The music played on, a requiem for the love they had known. As the final notes lingered in the air, they held each other a moment longer, as if time itself were reluctant to release them from this last dance. Then, with a tender gaze, he led her back to the silence beyond the dance floor, where the memories lingered and the space between them grew immeasurable.And so, in the quiet aftermath, the room bore witness to the final pirouette of a love that had weathered the storms but could no longer defy the relentless passage of farewell. The dance floor stood empty, except for the fading echoes of a love that had once danced so beautifully, now immortalized in the hushed corridors of memory.
Perhaps in another life, maybe we can have dinner again
Once again, we were having dinner, laughing at how exhausting, complicated, but fulfilling life is. My eyes were on him while he asked what meal to cook for tomorrow. My voice went silent just as I was about to reply. Suddenly he's not there. We're not at the dinner table anymore.Sometimes, I wish I told you how, despite being tired at school, I enjoyed our dinner talks, and it somehow eases the tiredness I always feel throughout the day. Sometimes, I wish I had told you just how incredibly funny your jokes are or how endearingly silly you appear when trying to bring joy to us. Sometimes, I wish I told you how beautiful your voice is and how calming it is, like sitting beside the ocean. Sometimes, I wish I told you how good you are at playing the guitar. Sometimes, I wish I told you how afraid I was of the dark. Sometimes, I wish I told you how thankful I am that you know my favorite food when some parents don't even know their daughter's favorite foods. Sometimes, I wish I could hug you more. Sometimes, I wish I had told you that your kindness can light up the whole world. Sometimes, I wish that I went to the hospital just to see you one more time. But most of all, I wish that I could have told you how much you truly meant to me—how much I love you.I was a selfish and inconsiderate child. I took the time we had left for granted, not knowing that every little moment was precious. I wish we had more time; then perhaps I could tell you how good dinner was.Perhaps in another life, maybe we can have dinner again.
sojourn
I find myself repeatedly grappling with the harsh truth that when you depart from a place that holds a special place in your heart, the people you leave behind tend to let the memory of you slip away. It's not merely forgetting the day-to-day interactions or recognizing your physical presence, but it's the gradual fading away of the profound understanding they once held about you as time passes. Those lingering, critical stares and the frowns etched on their faces, met with my pleading eyes conveying, "I haven't changed; I'm just weary of always being the one to reach out and yearning to be understood."Even before I left, I foresaw this inevitable change. The very moment I stepped away from that familiar ground, I sensed that upon my return, everything would be different. While I'm grateful they can manage without me, a part of me mourns the realization that there are instances when people can carry on just fine without you in the picture. I had hoped my return would mend the homesickness and longing I felt during those months away, only to discover it intensified my heart's yearning for the way things were.I had expected them to comprehend the challenges I faced, the exhaustion of deciphering them while remaining a mystery myself. Instead, there was a misunderstanding. They perceived my distance as a rejection, thinking I wanted nothing to do with them or that I harbored some cruelty in my heart. Little did they know, deep inside, I dreaded the feeling of being left out because they seemed fine without me. I never wanted to be cruel; I simply yearned to be understood.
She's dead. I buried her a long time ago.
If you're looking for her, she's dead; I buried her a long time ago. You see, I had no choice but to get rid of her. If you're searching for the young girl who danced with naivety and wore trust like fragile glass, she's gone—long gone.But even though I let her go, I found someone better: someone brave, kinder yet firm—a person unafraid to say "No" because she knows she doesn't deserve to be treated wrongly or looked down upon. Someone unafraid to speak her mind because she understands the importance of being just and fair, not just for herself but for those around her as well.It was uncomfortable to be with her initially, but I slowly embraced it. I started to like her, and she became my friend. Being with her means I have to get used to every depth of her being—her happiness, sadness, playfulness, anger, anxiousness, and even her loneliness. Although there were times I was angry at how foolish, uncertain, and ignorant she was in some situations, I learned that she is only human. This friend I call mine is none other than the better version of myself.I must admit I'm not perfect and still in the process of deserving to call myself a better version. I'm still learning all the variations of myself and life. In the midst of it all, I'm slowly loving myself for who I am and what I'm becoming. I buried my old self, but a better version of her is living in the moment.
ABOUT
This blog is just for fun, not to be taken too seriously. I intend for the words that I create to provoke an emotional response, to have an impact, and I express these words that I value for others to read and appreciate. I find every writer has their own unique way of writing, which is both subtle and powerful at the same time. Writing has been my source of comfort and solace, allowing me to express my thoughts and feelings in ways I never thought possible. It has allowed me to explore my creativity and push the boundaries of my imagination. Hence, if you have stopped by, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read every work I have written.From my shore to yours,
Graciella